So there’s a guy at a bar, staring blankly at his drink. He stays like that for hours. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man cries. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”
“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
American History 101
It was the first day of school and a new student, Suzuki, son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade class. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.
"Who said, 'Give me Liberty or give me Death' ?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki's
"Patrick Henry 1775," he said.
"Very good! Who said '...government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?"
Again, no response, except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper, "Screw the Japs."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Suzuki raised his hand: "Lee Iacocca, 1982."
At that point a student said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Who said that?"
Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Suzuki jumps up waving his hand and shouts, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
With near mob hysteria, someone screams, "You little s**t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Suzuki yells, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
At this, the teacher fainted. The class gathered around her.
One of the kids says, "Oh s**t, we're in BIG trouble!"
Suzuki says, "Arthur Andersen, 2002."
ONLY IN GOOD OL' USA...
Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counter.Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. Only in America do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of 8.
Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'..
Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal.
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0
and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system
performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry
applications, which operated flawlessly under
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other
valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal
Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs
such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6
simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging
5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment
Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command "http: I Thought You Loved
Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't
forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that
application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and
But remember, overuse of the above application can
cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,
Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad
program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it
runs a virus in the background that will eventually
seize control of all your system resources). Also, do
not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it
does have limited memory and cannot learn new
applications quickly. You might consider buying
additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend Food 3.0 and HotLingerie 7.7.
Good Luck, Tech Support
Gary Lising Jokes
Use in a sentence: (make sure you read the punchline with a Filipino accent)
NEW! Use AFFECT in a sentence.
Maria is wearing AFFECT diamond ring.
ANALYZE and ANATOMY:
My analyze over the ocean, so bring back my anatomy.
pantusok ng yelo
I looked in the toilet and associate.
bacon saka egg
I BAKING POWDER? Can you repeat the question?
NEW! Use BORROW in a sentence.
Ang dumi naman ng BORROW mo.
NEW! Use CADET in a sentence.
CADET ko si Maria nung isang gabi. Ngayon, ikaw naman ang CADET
NEW! Use CARDIAC in a sentence.
Na CARDIAC yung kotse ni Pedro noong isang gabi.
I can't talk to you on the phone right now, but I'll CALCULATOR.
doon nakatila ang hali at leyna
tingnan mo ang kwarto
Every morning I eat COMPLEX with milk.
Use CONCLUSION and OPINION in one sentence:
(Pointing to a door): CONCLUSION, hindi OPINION.
I went to a party last night. There was so much food pero co-CONTEMPLATE.
I hope you studied last night because our teacher might give a surprise CUISINE Math.
Use CURTAIN and KITCHEN in one sentence:
Aray! Huwag mo akong CURTAIN. Masa-KITCHEN.
May nakita akong sirena kanina. Siya pala'y si DECIBEL.
pinatay ang pusa
DEDUCT, DEFENSE, DEFEAT, and DETAIL:
Deduct jumped over defense. Defeat first detail last.
Before going into the pool, I always check how deficit.
NEW! Use DEFIED in a sentence.
What is 2 + 3? Eh DEFIED, dali naman niyon.
Use DELETION in a sentence.
The balat of DELETION is crispy.
NEW! Use DELICACY in a sentence.
Bagal mo... DELICACY mahuhuli na tayo.
e di maluwag
When washing my hands, I always turn on deposit.
DEPRESSED is the person who conducts the mass every Sunday.
'yon ang susunod sa letrang 'V'
I wait for the bus at devastation.
Use DIFFERENCE and DIFFERENCES in one sentence:
If the royal family has a baby boy, he is called DIFFERENCE; if they have a baby girl, she is called DIFFERENCES.
NEW! Use DIFFERENT and DIFFERENTIAL in a sentence.
I am looking for DIFFERENT of this boy to get DIFFERENTIAL consent so he can go to the picnic.
NEW! . Use DIFFUSION in a sentence.
Brownout...siguradong DIFFUSION pumutok.
I tried turning on the TV, but no matter how many times I try, it
The airplane landed on the EFFORT.
I just had a haircut. Masa-GUAVA?
When you answer the phone, you say, "Hello, HOSTESS?"
Nagpagupit ako kanina. ICE BUKO ba?
(In your best Whitney Houston voice): INDAAAAAAAAAAY will always love you...ooooooo.
Use IRAQ, IRAN and EGYPT in one sentence:
IRAQ is bigger than a stone; IRAN is faster than a walk; and EGYPT is smaller than a truck.
kainin mo ang bakod
nagsinungaling ka ba?
Wow, ang bango mo ah! What's your KULONG?
Pare, nasaktan ba kita kanina? Huwag mo isipin pare, LION.
Hoy! Finish your food, there's MASTURBATION in the third world.
NEW! Use MENTION in a sentence.
Ang laki ng bahay nila, parang MENTION.
Use PAMPERS and PAPERS in one sentence:
At the gasoline station, I asked the attendant, "Do I PAMPERS or do I PAPERS?"
Use PAUL five times in a sentence:
PAUL, be carePAUL; you might PAUL in the swimming PAUL and make a PAUL of yourself.
Before you go out, PENIS your homework.
Next year, Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie will celebrate their
pakawalan mo ang pusa
I always get my apples and saging at the protestant.
Daddy, pasukan na next week. Kailangan ko ng PUNCTUATION.
NEW! Use SCHOOLING in a sentence.
(Phone rings)..... Hello? Who SCHOOLING?
Use CASHEW and SKATE in a sentence:
I want to have a tattoo sana, CASHEW mukhang ma-SKATE e.
I saw some SPECIMEN inside the spaceship.
ikaw ba 'yan?
Mare, ang laki pala ng bahay ninyo. It's SUSPICIOUS.
Before playing tennis I have to put on my tenacious.
UNO, DOS, TRES:
UNO! Dos tres are on fire!
ZOOLOGY:ang sayans ng pagtatahi
On the Lighter Side / Filipino Humor...
Kung Pinoy si Noah....
Ganito ang mangyayari sa barko. Read along … …… … … … … … ..
Taong 2005 at isang ordinaryong middle class pinoy si Noah. Nagpakita sa kanya ang Diyos at sinabing "Pagkatapos ng isang taon ay bubuhos ang ulan at babahain ang buong kapuluan ng Pilipinas. Gusto kong gumawa ka ng isang malaking arko at isakay mo rito ang pares-pares na mga hayop at mga mag-asawang pilipino sa iba't ibangkapuluan." Ibinigay kay Noah ang specs ng Arko at taos puso nitong tinanggap ang responsibilidad na sagipin ang sambayanang Pilipino sa napipintong pagbaha.
Lumipas ang taon, muling nagpakita ang Diyos kay Noah. Walang arkong nagawa si Noah at
galit na galit siyang tinanong ng Diyos, "Nasaan ang arko na ipinagawa ko sa iyo?" Tumugon si Noah, "Patawarin po ninyo ako kung di po natupad ang utos ninyo! Nagkaroon po ng malaking problema sa plano po ninyo ."
At inilahad ni Noah ang mga sagabal na nakaharap niya sa pag-gawa ng arko.Humingi siya ng Mayor's permit pero papayag lang daw si Mayor kung ang gagawa ng arko ay ang construction firm ng kanyang pamangkin. Tumungo siya sa Congressman pero papayag lang daw si Congressman kung may matatanggap siyang 30% commission. Nagtayo ng unyon ang mga kinuha niyang manggagawa at nag-strike.Natunugan ng mga left-leaning groups ang kanyang balak at ang mga ito ay nag-rally dahil daw sa hindi makatarungang pagpili ng mga taong sasakay sa arko (mga taong naniniwala lang sa Diyos ang pwedeng sumakay). Nakisali sa rally ang mga bakla at tomboy dahil bias daw na normal na mag-asawa lang ang pwedeng sumakay.
Ang civil society group ay nakisali na rin sa gulo dahil napag-alaman daw nila na ang pondong gagamitin sa paggawa ng arko ay galing sa donasyon ng mga gambling lords at katas ng huweteng. Sa kaguluhang ito ay napilitang magpatawag ng hearing ang senado "in aid of legislation". Sinubukan ni Noah na gamitin ang EO 464 para makaiwas sa hearing pero dahil hindi sya executive official, napilitan siyang tumestigo.
Nang malaman ng senado na utos ng Diyos ang pagpapagawa ng arko, dineklara nila itong unconstitutional dahil hindi raw nito iginalang ang separation ng church at state
Nakialam na rin ang NBI at PNP at sinabi nilang meron silang impormasyon na ang barko raw na ito ay gagamitin ni Erap sa kanyang pagtakas. Sinabi naman ng ISAFP at DOJ na ito raw ay gagamitin ng grupong Magdalo sa binabalak nilang coup laban kay Arroyo. Nilapitan ni Noah si Mike Defensor para makipag-usap kay GMA. Payag daw si GMA na ituloy ang arko kung ipapaskil daw sa arko ang malaking mukha ni Arroyo na may slogan na..
"Towards a StrongRepublic". "Hindi po ako pumayag kaya hanggang ngayon po ay may TRO ang pag-gawa ng arko.Sa palagay ko po kailangan ko pa ng 10 taon para matapos ang inyong proyekto." Ang huling wika ni Noah. Napa-iling ang Diyos at sinabing, "Di ko na kailangang wasakin pa ang bansang ito. Hayaan ko na lang kayong sumira nito."
.....more Gary Lising jokes......
The following was copied without permission from the souvenir
progamme of the "The Fabans & Friends - A Grand Reunion!" concert in
Manila sometime 1996.)
My name is Gary Lising. Secretary of Health Juan Flavier once said
that I have a very nice name -- for a disease.
I was voted as the sex symbol of Assumption College because according
to them, I am the only entertainer that looks like a sex organ.
I was already a celebrity even when I was a baby. I weighed 48 pounds
when I was born -- but weighed only 3 pounds after I was circumcised.
I was the only abortion that lived.
I was such an ugly baby. My mother only puts the negatives of my
pictures in our family album.
I was a very thin baby because I was a breastfed baby -- I was
breastfed by my father.
I grew up to be a boy wonder -- everybody always looked at me and wondered.
I studied at the Ateneo de Manila where I took up B.S. Economics. That
explains why up to now I still am poor as ever.
I went to the United States where I put up my own business that went
bankrupt. My business was selling PX goods.
I lived in the penthouse of a 50 story building. My rent was only 200
dollars a month. It was very cheap because it was walkup -- no
I was drafted by the U.S. Army but I got exempted because of my
religion -- I am a devout coward.
I came back to the Philippines because I miss the brownouts. We should
be proud of this fact because in the U.S. they don't have brownouts.
We are the only country that has it.
Another thing to be proud of is the merging of Erap Estrada's "PACC"
with Gringo Honasan's "YOU" -- it would be known as "PACC YOU".
My father is Dr. Jose Lising, a bisexual -- every time he sees sex he buys it.
My mother Nieva Lising is a very religious woman -- she is a nun.
My parents are in the iron and steel business. My mother irons and my
I am married to Maris Paredes who up to now believes that love is
really blind. I also have a son, Bugsy, he's only five years old and
he already knows how to be ashamed of me.
I am also a firm believer in a lot of very serious facts of life. Let
me share with you a few meaningful facts that I believe in:
I BELIEVE...that if you read too much about the bad effects of smoking
-- give up reading.
I BELIEVE...that you should never make love with your eyes unless you
I BELIEVE...Dick Gordon when he said that women should be put up in a
pedestal -- high enough so you could look up their dresses.
I BELIEVE...Baby Boy Poblador when he said that women are the
foundation of our society. I also believe him when he said that men
are the ones who laid the foundation.
I BELIEVE...Lolit Solis when she said that Mayor Lim was her former boyfriend.
I BELIEVE...Mari Mar when she cried -- I saw tears running down her legs.
I BELIEVE...that Fr. Donelan will outlive us all.
I BELIEVE...IN GOD, THE FATHER ALMIGHTY, AND THAT EVENTUALLY WE WILL
HAVE PEACE AND HAPPINESS BECAUSE OF OUR FAITH IN HIM.
GARY LISING, S.J.*